Drive Me Home
by Tavalya Ra
Summary: A songfic inspired by Garbage's Drive Me Home and Chapter 15 of my SnapeBlack slash fan novel, Love Potion HP


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Drive Me Home

by Tavalya Ra

Disclaimer: 

This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by J. K. Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended. Rowling is a goddess; may she have mercy on my soul for writing this.

The song "Drive Me Home" is owned by Garbage, Almo Sounds, and Interscope Records. Likewise, no money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.

Author's Notes:

This songfic was inspired by the Garbage song "Drive Me Home" (which I think fits Severus Snape perfectly) and Chapter Fifteen of my Snape/Black slash fan novel, "Love Potion HP." Not only does it contain spoilers for "Love Potion HP," it will also not make sense unless you have read that story first.

Thank you to Barbara for her help negotiating italics on Fanfiction.net.

* * *

It's funny how

Even now

You still support me after all the things that I've done

"I'll never let them hurt you. Never, never-"

The passion in your voice drives me to… I don't know. Drives me to insanity, for there is no reason I should suddenly burst into tears like child, but I have. I didn't think there was enough left in me that was pure enough to cry. Look at me in the moonlight, Sirius. Can you tell? Are my tears red like the blood on my hands or black like the stain on my soul?

And if they are, would you notice? If you did, would you lie to me? Would you tell me that I'm human still?

__

You're so good to me

Waiting patiently

And isn't it sad that you still have to ask if I care?

You're trembling. It's slight, but I can tell because you're holding me.

"Forgive me, Severus. I almost lost you. I'll never, never doubt you. Never. I'll never let them hurt you-"

"Don't," I protest. My own voice is feeble. I want to believe in you so badly. "Don't promise anything."

Promises can never be anything but broken.

I never said I was perfect

But I can take you away

Why do have to kiss me like that? Why? My shell is like steel; how can your lips make me melt?

I would give you anything and that thought terrifies me. I've never wanted someone. I've never felt that someone was an extension of myself and as long as they were happy, I was happy, and whatever happened to me didn't matter… and I don't know if I want to feel this way. I don't know if I'm worthy of feeling this way. I'm not pure; I'm not you. I fear that all I have to offer you is an illusion.

Someday, you'll wake up and realize I'm hideous. 

__

Walk on shells tonight

Can't do right tonight

And you can't say a word

Cause I leap down your throat

So uptight am I

Lupin is agitated. I can tell by his movements. It's the moon; he hasn't taken the potion yet.

"Let's get back to the cabin," he urges and I'm not about to argue. I don't want to stay here any longer.

I take the first step and stumble over nothing. Your arms are there to catch me, and I wonder if it's a metaphor or a mockery. That you'll always be there to keep me from falling, or that it doesn't matter what you do, because I've already slipped too far into the Darkness. You can't save my soul, Sirius. Sometimes I wonder if I have one.

Why do you bother putting up with me? I've shut out the world for so long that my shield has become myself. I'm bitter; I'm nasty. I've severed words off your tongue before they've even left your lips and you used to hate me for it. I used to hate you for it, that you made it necessary. And now…

I never said I was perfect

But I can drive you home

And now you think you care. And I…

I can't say I do. I feel I do, but I don't know if there's enough in me to mean it. I don't know if there's enough in me to mean anything but spite. 

I'm empty. Maybe you mean to fill me with something. Maybe you would call it hope.

I don't believe in hope, anymore, Sirius.

I got down on myself

Working too hard

Driving myself to death

Trying to beat out the faults in my head

Your arm on my body was tender as you guided me through the woods and it still is as you lead me into the cabin. Lupin leaves us; I hope it's to drink his potion.

You romantic fool. You won't let me simply lie down on the sofa; you have to pick me up and put me there.

You can't stop me from falling. Someday, you will realize that I was falling before you even tried. You shouldn't. There's so much wrong with me; you don't deserve me.

Isn't that funny? I care enough about you to care whether or not I'm worthy.

What a mess I've made

Sure we all make mistakes

But they seem me so large that they think

I'm immune to the pain

"I love you. I love you."

Part of me wants to tell you that you don't really know what love is. But then, I don't either.

"I've never said it," I suddenly realize. "I've never said that to you. What you just said to me."

You don't know how much those three words scare me, Sirius. I don't even know if I have a heart to give away.

I am a ruin of a man. I have done things for which I cannot be redeemed. You know the Darkness because you were swallowed by it. I know the Darkness because I was it.

Am it. I cannot stop being it. I still sulk in shadow and no one thinks anything of it, because it is my place. No one knows anything of my pain.

And I have no right to protest. I have earned it.

You make me want to take you and that's not fair. I don't deserve you.

Walk on shells tonight

Can't do right tonight

And you can't say a word

Cause I leap down your throat

So uptight am I

"Why?" you ask. The sound of your voice swells into a single, perfect tear and it burns where it lands on my skin.

I don't deserve you. But I don't deserve to hurt you either and I want you. I won't think of how ironic it is that my love should spring from my hate. I-

My love? Did I just think "my love"? I… love?

How can I love? I don't have a heart to give.

You make me wish I did. You make me think I do. 

"I was afraid."

Afraid… of what? To admit that I could love? Or that you would love me back?

I'm praying for a miracle

But I won't hold by breath

"Are you still?"

Yes. How can I not be? After all I have done, after all I have been, am I truly to be allowed this? To… to love?

But I… I have already given myself to you. I have all but spoken it already. I wonder at fate and I doubt… but let me doubt only that. From now forward, I _will_ not deny what I feel and what is in my heart… for I suppose I must have one.

__

I never said I was perfect

But you can drive me home

"I love you, Sirius." 


End file.
